In the End, This is How it Began

i wish i could say that my sexual revolution occurred during adolescence, that i had always known that this is who i am. But it took over thirty years for the scales to be lifted from my eyes and even then, it was done so subtly, so gently, so patiently by M that i'm still struck by the transformation that has overcome me.

When M and i first met, i had been in a fourteen year marriage to a fella that i had absolutely no sexual attraction to. Thinking back, i can see why i was initially attracted to him -- publicly, he exudes a confidence and an arrogance that i've come to realize is hallmark in the men that i find attractive. In his case, it was a facade. With these new eyes, i look back and realize that in intimate settings, he wanted to be submissive. And he wanted me to be the one to dominate him. He even went so far as to suggest he buy me a crop. *shudder* It was no wonder that i hated sex so much it would make me cry. He told me there was something wrong with me; that i was simply 'impossible to arouse' and i believed him. i was innocent enough then that i didn't even realize the D/s elements present, nor the part i wished to play in them.

But M did. The more we talked, the more He knew. At first, He let me prattle on as we discussed fantasies -- ones that i'd never breathed to anyone before. *laughs* God, how silly He must have thought me. How utterly and sickly innocent. But no. He loves that innocence that even now, now that the veil has been lifted, is never completely gone. Innocence that still makes me blush when i learn a new word that i've never heard before. Innocence that He can defile again and again.

Nowadays, i see things in a new light. i can look back on my childhood, all the way back to the time that i was eleven, and i remember the young adolescent me having fantasies of sexual aggression against her. i can remember the bedrooms that i inhabited. i can remember the exact images that were going through my mind as i toyed with myself. i didn't even know then that what i did was masturbation. i remember books that i read - books such as "Wizard's First Rule" and "The Deeds of Paksenarrion" in which the main characters were captured and tortured and i cheered on the perpetrators, not even understanding why.

It never occurred to me that all of this could lead to an actual type of relationship, that other people sought this out. It never occurred to me that the very reason i thought i was attracted to my ex was an unconscious desire to have that, to be dominated. And i wonder, how could i not have seen? How could i have wasted all those years?

i suppose i was just waiting for M...