I challenge Me to a Dual

This isn't something I can talk about lightly. It's not something I've really spoken about at all, save directly to my possession. As anyone who has been following along would recognize, I have a very cruel streak in me. This has been coming out more and more lately. Psychologists would tell you my dominating nature is about power. While that is true--as a Master, power is never something I don't crave--I also crave the control even of pain. The cruel streak in me finds absolute, inexplicable euphoria in making her scream and cry, in hearing her beg for me to stop, in seeing the tears streaking her face, making it even more beautiful than it already is, if at all possible. I suppose in the end it's more about fulfilling that side of me that I've always kept quashed.

I suppose, with a personality like mine, I could have been some kind of sociopath, had things gone differently. This isn't an attempt to scare, just an honest evaluation of my own personality. Since a very young age I've had a fascination with the pain of other things and people. I've always been of two minds on the matter: One wishes to help and heal that pain, and the other finds a delicious satisfaction in witnessing something so personally devastating. Ever since I was a child and I was taught that such a thing was 'wrong' I learned to bury that second part of myself deep, deep down, along with the authoritative, controlling, aggressive part of myself. All of those things were considered 'bad' and were things I was told would make me a disappointment and make my family ashamed, so I did what I could to avoid being such to my family, and locked that part of me away deep down inside.

Now, something I did not expect occured because of this seperation...it became it's own Me. I realize how disturbing this sounds, and one could probably identify my as crazy for this, but I am perfectly, calmly, cogently aware of it all, which suggests I'm not as mentally unstable as one might think. Essentially, that part of my personality inherited its own thought patterns and behavioral subsets when it was buried to ensure it never snuck back up on me, and the rest developed along it's own path, unobstructed, to make the 'mister nice' the rest of the world sees me as. Probably about 98% of people who know me would be shocked to find out my true nature, but I hid it so well that for a while I even forgot about it myself...but there was always a part of me that was unsatisfied. I felt...lacking.

No relationship I was in could draw me out of this. No one could make me feel complete and whole until things began to develop with my possession. The other, more passive me that had been in the forefront all this time usually sought out someone else who didn't rely on me to take the forefront. It sought out somewhat more 'in-control' people so that I didn't have those temptations to control rise up within me, and I was always unhappy and dissatisfied. However, when I met and began to speak in earnest with my pet, I began to recognize immediately the passive nature of her personality. The submissive, giving way about her that suggested that she was a lifestyle slave who not only in the bedroom submitted to my will, but in every way throughout almost all of her day. For the first time in all of my life I felt that hidden part of myself rumble, as if awakening from a deep slumber only to find that after such a hibernation it hungered deeply. It wasn't until the past year that ht finally had a chance to come into the forefront, especially the past few months.

This hidden Me, This darker and more evil side...if it had claimed control when I was younger and didn't understand what it was much less how to give it a proper outlet, I might have ended up comitting terrible crimes and getting locked up without remorse while fully understanding what I'd done. One time I spoke to my mother about the possibliity of my uncle teaching me to hunt. I thought this might be an effective outlet. She laughed at me, and then when she grew serious about it told me that she knew I wouldn't be able to kill an innocent animal. The deeper ferocity within me, reacted with vehemence, I was surprised to find, and I was afraid in that moment as I learned I was far more ruthless than anyone took me for. Now, that ruthless and cruel Me was stepping out of the shadows, stretching his wings for the first time. As a mature adult that could recognize what it was and how to give it a proper outlet, however, there was no risk of something too negative happening.

Now we come to the slightly more interesting part of the tale. Each me is, in effect, its own personality. Each part is aware of and can communicate with the other, and each part knows what the other does. Each part has its own behaviors, and can refer to the other in conversation with my pet. I would switch who was in control depending on the situation, as though I was possessing of Multiple Personality Disorder. For us it seemed somewhat natural, but from the outside it would doubless appear absolutely insane. However, the problem is that they couldn't each operate independently and make us (both aus as a single person with two sides to me, and us as a couple) happy. They--we--I needed to be one whole person. Nevermind that both sides were independently being fulfilled, I was still not a whole person. The trick has been finding a way to make us one personality once more, while maintaining a balance of the good parts of both and keeing a healthy person.

Now, as I'm combining both sides of me to make something new; something dangerously wonderful--something that fulfills us both beyond imagine--I'm finding out something new about myself every day. Finding out how to make the ideal me is very interesting to say the least, but I find that its something that should have happened long ago...she was just the trigger to draw out the darker Me, much less allow them both to coexist as a single being without drawbacks.

I find that the evolution of myself as a compassionately cruel Master is coming to fruition, and as someone who has spent his whole life segragating who he was for the sake of those around him and the society's preference, life has never been sweeter than when I push my most valued, most beloved, most prized possession to the brink of tears and beyond when she's doing her best to hold it back.

In those moments I realize I am all-powerful, that I am in control, and I take the most delicious and dark pleasure in her pain that would make those of the vanilla lifestyle absolutely cringe in abject horror, and yet to me is one of the sweetest memories in recent life.

In those moments she intimately understands what no one else could ever see, much less understand

In those moments, I am more whole than I've ever been...and I have her to thank for it.