Imperfection

I am not perfect. I have never claimed such a distinction, and I can say with confidence that I never will. Whilst as a Master over my pet I clearly hold dominion I, like any other man, will make mistakes...though men would have you think otherwise. I am smart, I am capable, I am proud, I am even kind, but I am not perfect. There will come times when I don't do everything right, and the odds of this increase because of the relationship I have with my slave, not in spite of it.

In vanilla relationships there are age-old rules that have stood the test of time. There are things that people do that have just become expected. Every M/s relationship, however, has its own unique complications and dynamics. There are times when, for the good of the relationship, that aspect must be set aside and we must regard each other as equals, if only temporarily. The trick of it is knowing when equality should take a place and when I, as the Master, truly hold dominion. At this especially I have shown to have poor judgment, attempting to enforce authority or judge inequality when in reality equality and a caring thought is more necessary than ruling with an iron fist.

There is a specific distinction between causing pain, and causing suffering. I, admittedly, love to cause my slave pain. I loathe causing her suffering. I will delight in causing her pain frequently, but I would die before wishing any suffering upon her. Pain is when you inflict short-lived, sudden, and intense discomfort upon the subject that can, in it's unique fashion, enhance the happiness of the subject and help bring a sense of fulfillment even. In contrast, suffering is a long-standing and terrible ache that ultimately detracts from the existence and ultimate happiness and fulfillment of the subject. Causing my slave pain is so very enjoyable for both of us. Causing her suffering brings pleasure to neither and can, if untended, drive a wedge between me and my slave.

I love her unconditionally. She is someone who I cherish and adore, even more than she knows. She is special to me, and I cannot express my wish to help her in life's challenges and make the world better and easier for her. There are times, however, that I am unable to make the distinction of the necessity of equality, which in turn causes a horrible rift in the otherwise mostly fluid dynamic between us. Had I been able to recognize the necessity of being the decent human being we both know I can be rather than the Master I often am, it wouldn't have caused the rift that occurred.

In this I am imperfect. I never admitted perfection, but nonetheless it pains me to admit to my faults, of which this clearly is one, as this isn't the first time it's occurred and suffering was the result, much to our mutual dismay.

I know that she knows I'd never wish her to suffer and that I'm not as terrible as I might seem at times, but it can be easy to lose sight of that, I know.

So, just to be clear.

Now, and forever, my beloved slave, if ever I cause you suffering rather than pain; if ever I make your life more problematic rather than less...I am sorry. So very deeply, terribly sorry. We both enjoy the M/s arrangement because it makes your life simpler and mine more enjoyable, and we find a mutual satisfaction in it. If ever that is disrupted, it would never, ever be my wish. If ever I am seen in a negative light because of my actions making your life less tolerable rather than more...well, I would never wish for that.

I have no desire to be seen as a burden...I have only ever wished to help lighten your load rather than increase it...but part of dealing with me means dealing with my imperfections, of which I regrettably have many. As you've said, this relationship is a work in progress while we find boundaries and lines, and figure out when to cross them--and in which direction--and when to leave them be. I will make many more mistakes in the future, I know this, because I am imperfect, just as you are imperfect. You complete me, however. My imperfections and faults are filled by you, and yours by me. Separately we are imperfect, but together we can achieve something no one else alone can.

Perfection.

All I can ask is that we be patient and understanding with each other while we find the necessary middle ground to make this relationship the best it can be while accepting that bumps will occur, but they should not end things rather than be learned from...and I have faith that once perfected, what we have will truly be a thing surpassing beauty.

...tried the rest...

It's been awhile since i've been able to write. Life has been overwhelmingly busy and He has been very understanding. i'm sure He would rather see a post or two - i know He takes pride in them - but He also knows that there is so much going on in my life that another project would just break me. But tonight, i need it, need to work my thoughts out loud.

As i said, the past few weeks have been very overwhelming. i've been more than just busy. Life has been stressful, dealing with government red tape, studying for finals, finishing one project, starting the next, working full time, stretching my dollar beyond its bounds and just the general unfairness that is life. More than just 'busy'. i've been strung tighter than guitar strings. And taking it all out on Him. i've been hateful. i've been selfish. i've been belligerent and demanding and, yes, even controlling in a way. i didn't realize it when it was happening, but i'm coming to understand it now.

Then, complete 180.

All of the busy-ness took a brief pause for a week. And in that time, when i could breathe, i wanted to be controlled. i wanted to be put back into the place that i had broken out of so nastily the week prior. i think that, all the while, i've really needed it, but i have been so volatile that neither of us were willing to see if i could take it.

But not this time. This time, i was meek. i even brought His crop to Him. My demeanor was soft and i longed for Him to be firm, controlling, even harsh, if it pleased Him. Just dominate me.

It never came.

He assures me that it was just bad timing, but i still felt rejected and somewhat hurt. Funny how His steely gaze comforts me more than His sweetest hug. And not being beaten stings, despite the kisses and the 'I love you's. i don't think that anyone not in this sort of relationship can understand how i can hear "I love you" and yet, if He's not willing to take me firmly in hand, then i feel rejection.

i waited until He had left for the night before mentioning it to Him via text msg. i didn't want my words to alter His behavior any. Really, i don't want the control, even inadvertent, despite my stress induced episodes this past month. i ranted and i sulked. And even when He explained that it was just a matter of a timing miscalculation, i still sulked. i came home and sat down to peruse one of my favorite blogs, looking within its pages for comfort and solace and.... validation. Justification for my pity party.

The guest writer for the blog started out telling of her husband, taking her to be caned for a transgression - not filling her car with enough gas - and i thought, 'see? That's what i want. That's the level of control...' And then it hit me. Flashes of the arguments we had sped through my mind, rapid fire, and i got a sinking feeling in my gut. i read on, though her words betrayed my need for validation. "Don't do what you think he wants, just obey," she admonished. i hadn't even done the one, let alone the other. Here, i was feeling sorry for myself because He wasn't doing what i thought He should when it was me who hadn't lived up to my end of the bargain from the first.

Submitting sounds easier than it is. He once told me, it's easy to be submissive when you want to - it's when you don't want to that it really counts. i guess that's the inherent nature of 'submission'. Not doing it because you want to. Doing it when you don't. i failed that this month. i failed Him.

But i have learned something from it. i've learned that i have work of my own to do to put into helping Him create the relationship that we both want. i need to remind myself to work on submission, especially in those moments when i would rather scream like a banshee and fight to get my way. i've learned that, whether He does what i want Him to or not doesn't matter. What matters is what HE wants, even if that doesn't involve being harsh to me when i crave it. My temper tantrums - whether sulky or spiteful - are inappropriate, especially if this is the relationship that i truly want.

Most of all, i've learned that it IS what i want. His sweetness and hugs and tender caresses do not give me the same sense of comfort and feeling of being wanted and truly loved as His control. i couldn't live without the rest.


edit: To anyone in the same situation and reading this, let me say, this is a process - and one that we are still just starting. i realize that now. It will take time, not only for us to negotiate the 'normal' aspects of a new relationship, but also the M/s dynamic. It isn't something that i will achieve overnight, nor is it realistic to think that we will ever get to a point where we handle every encounter perfectly. It doesn't excuse my behavior, but it does allow me to live with it. And while He will take me to task for being disrespectful, He will hold me just as accountable for being too harsh with myself. After all, that's His job.