my relationship with M has always had the ebb and flow of an ocean tide. Because of our busy lives, there are times when He demands more of me and others when He backs off and gives me more lead. It can be both comforting and frustrating, but for me, it just is the way He has decided that things need to go at this point in our life. His rules usually have an air of necessity to them, an answer to a problem in our lives. They have always been reasonable, reliable, almost common sense. He has always had the last say in everything, but His tendency is to use it judiciously.
This week, the tide came crashing in. i didn't expect it to strike me so profoundly. If it had been anyone else, i would have dubbed them a callous ass, but not M. With Him, it just leaves me panting and begging for more.
He told me Thursday that it would be happening and i just nodded, figuring He would forget and it would be one of those things that sounded better than it actually was in practice. He was going to limit my meals. His reasons are completely selfish - when i eat til i'm full, it inhibits His use of me. And that's unacceptable.
Up to this point, M had always come down on the side of feeding me more. my response to stress is to stop eating, so He's made it requisite to eat at least 3 meals a day, and that rule hasn't changed. But as i was making and serving up breakfast, He told me that i was to give myself half portions. i was a little dubious, thinking i would still be starving by the end of the meal. He was considerate enough to inquire. i wasn't hungry, but neither was i full. Good, He determined.
He allowed a snack a few hours later. After i'd had a handful and as i was still nibbling, He stopped me while He continued eating. At lunch, He told me to cut my potato in half and save the rest. By dinner, i was already anticipating this order and served myself dinner on a smaller plate with full servings of vegetables, but half servings of the meat and carbs. M approved.
It was just before bedtime that something interesting happened. i was up several hours later than He normally allows and i'd had the chance to grow hungry again. i asked for cookies. He declined. Then, out of spite, He opened the box and began eating the cookies i'd requested. i drooled. Spontaneously, i reached up and took the cookies out of His hand and began feeding them to Him. my body responded. my tummy growled ferociously and my nether-parts drooled at the turn. He even kissed me with the sweet taste of cookies on His breath, sending my tummmy into fits of grumbling.
Here i was hungry and He was flaunting our status. i loved it in ways that completely surprised me.
Yesterday ended similarly, with my tummy empty (though i assure you that i had plenty of calories for the day). He went one step further, demanding a back rub, even though He knew i would be tired and achy from having worked a 12 hour shift while He'd spent the day at home.
It is a bit like i feel with orgasm denial. My basic needs are being met, but the indulgences are being restricted at this time. And i love it.
Curiously, there is no resentment, no thoughts that He's being callous and thoughtless. And in that, i think, is the key. He's not being thoughtless. He is being very deliberate. He knew i was tired, just as He knew that my tummy was growling even while He denied me a final snack. He isn't just oblivious to these facts, but deliberately chooses to ignore them. And that makes all the difference in the world.
~p
