~Something Worth Having

If i said our relationship was perfect, you would call me a liar and rightly so. Yes, our love is great and yes, we believe with all of our hearts that we were divinely crafted for one another, so in tune are we, but that is not to say that our relationship is always easy. As He so often reminds me, nothing worth having ever is. Distance is hard even on the so-called 'vanilla' relationships, but having experienced both to some degree with Him, let me say that, in my experience, a Master/slave relationship is doubly so.

A friend once described a slave/submissive to me as having a 'need' to please and the more i experience it, the more i have to agree. It is not a desire, not an option; it is a burning need, one that is insistent and unrelenting. i realize now, looking back through unfiltered glasses, that the need was always there. i can trace its roots all the way back to my childhood. One could even say that it was the reason that my last relationship failed so miserably. That need was not only unappreciated by the other person, it was despised.

Now, i am in a relationship with Him where that need is not simply encouraged, but expected and yet, i find my head struggling to accept it. The more i give in to the need, the more it consumes me. And yet, i am afraid of it, afraid to succumb to it. Afraid that in the end, it will betray me.

Despite this fear, it continues to grow. i crave His structure, His rules, that definite set of limitations whereby i know specifically how to please Him best. Certainly that is there to some degree despite the distance, diluted for necessity's sake, and while i follow them to the letter, there is no smile in reward, no pleased look in His eyes, no gentle touch to my cheek. Most of the time, He doesn't even know that i'm silently obeying, two thousand miles away.

i find myself growing increasingly dissatisfied with the scraps that we are relegated to - a hurried phone call squeezed into our schedules, a text message stolen during work, an instant message conversation (which have been at the core of most of our misunderstandings, text being hard to interpret without inflection or body language). It is the sort of relationship that should be very physical in nature, but with the distance between us-- and unbearable 1,955.24 miles -- it is largely cerebral thus far.

It leaves me to sort my way mentally through things that i might have, under the natural order of things, felt my way through. Submitting to Him, for example. He describes ways in which He will expect me to submit to Him physically. It seems easy, compared to the work that has taken place this summer within my head, denying my stubborn nature, learning to be respectful, even when i selfishly want to react with bitterness and snide remarks. Just because there is distance doesn't mean the time has gone to waste.

But each step closer makes me crave to give more.

And each step closer makes me afraid to give more.

The countdown to the end has begun and already, there is more behind us than there is yet to go, but still, i find it hard to endure. Every day that passes is more unbearable than the last. i need more. i need it all, even though it scares me to death, makes me feel vulnerable and exposed to give so much to Him. It's a pressure that's building until that day when He's here. That day will feel like i've been let out of sensory deprivation and into the feeling world again. That will be the day that this numb, unfeeling world will explode.