~His Gift

i've long been familiar with the concept that what turns one on mentally doesn't necessarily equate to what one would actually want to perform in reality. It's been prevalent in past conversations between myself and my Master. We'll happen to get on one fantastical path and while i find the thought of it very erotic, the actuality would have left me quite crushed and emotionally bankrupt.

So, it was with some trepidation that i approached His birthday. It is one thing to say that you enjoy pain, but experiencing it is completely different. Granted, the masochist in me has grown since we last saw one another; i've taken to dragging my nails sharply across my flesh when i'm aroused, without initially realizing i was doing so, but that's not the same as giving control of how much pain, how deeply it hurts, to a sadist with all of the power. The more He talked about hurting me, the more aroused i became, but again, it's not the same as actually enduring.

Now, none of this is a reflection on my Master. i think He was already aware of the fact, even before i was, given His own concerns about holding back and pushing me away by showing me the full extent of what He is capable of, so i feel confident in expressing this concern that i had, going into this. It wasn't that i was a pretender -- i just didn't have the experience, the opportunity to know, until He gave it to me.

The day had gone relatively sweetly. Oh, there had been a few test swings of His new crop and the "koosh" whip that i had mistakenly called a 'toy'. He showed me the error of that assumption. But aside from a few sharp swats, He had treated me fairly gently. We were even nestled sweetly on the couch, just an average couple, my mind innocently on what we might watch on TV, when He finally stood and ordered me to sit up. i couldn't see what He picked up, but i didn't have to. my arms were already going behind my back by the time He ordered them to. i was eagerly anticipating --and dreading-- this.

my previous concerns were definitely right about one thing -- fantasizing about pain and actually feeling it were definitely two different things. He brought the crop down across my skin, neglecting no part of me. A sharp swat, then a pause as He considered where His next attack would land. A sharp intake of breath on my part - sometimes a whimper, sometimes a cry out, though i tried to hold it in so it wouldn't arouse the neighbors' concerns. i kept my eyes closed. i didn't want to know where the next blow would land. The anticipation was almost worst than the actual blow. Almost.

Each pause in His attack was a reprieve that i'd taken for granted until He let out a barrage of blows to the tenderness between my legs. Surprised, i instinctively staggered backwards but was horrified when i realized what i'd done. i moved back into place, resolving not to shrink back from His attentions again.

As i've pondered what to write for the past two days, i've been trying to put into words what i was thinking as i stood there, bound wrist and ankle, being whipped for His pleasure. The fact of the matter is, i wasn't. i wasn't thinking about the messy house that i'd left back home, nor the insane amount of school work that i would have to make up, the two exams in the coming week. i wasn't thinking of bills that needed to be paid, nor how i would make it until my next paycheck.

The week leading up to this day was the most stressful i've had in a long time. So much was going on between work and home and school that i didn't want to eat and broke down into tears of frustration. But for this day, and especially in this moment, i didn't have to think. i didn't have to solve problems or make the impossible happen. i didn't have to try and figure out how i would do 48 hours worth of work in 24. There was nothing that existed in my world but the pain and my Master's pleasure, His hand on my cheek, the satisfaction in His eyes as He wiped away the tears in mine. It's the thing that makes yoga so relaxing, the constant reminder to be in the moment, to let your worries and troubles wait for another time and just be. It's one of the values that the place where i work encourages as we deal with the people we serve - presence - what our families need more than the things we buy them.

And my Master had brought me there in a way that nothing else could have. i existed in that moment and none other. It was His birthday, but i was the one who was given the gift.