...tried the rest...

It's been awhile since i've been able to write. Life has been overwhelmingly busy and He has been very understanding. i'm sure He would rather see a post or two - i know He takes pride in them - but He also knows that there is so much going on in my life that another project would just break me. But tonight, i need it, need to work my thoughts out loud.

As i said, the past few weeks have been very overwhelming. i've been more than just busy. Life has been stressful, dealing with government red tape, studying for finals, finishing one project, starting the next, working full time, stretching my dollar beyond its bounds and just the general unfairness that is life. More than just 'busy'. i've been strung tighter than guitar strings. And taking it all out on Him. i've been hateful. i've been selfish. i've been belligerent and demanding and, yes, even controlling in a way. i didn't realize it when it was happening, but i'm coming to understand it now.

Then, complete 180.

All of the busy-ness took a brief pause for a week. And in that time, when i could breathe, i wanted to be controlled. i wanted to be put back into the place that i had broken out of so nastily the week prior. i think that, all the while, i've really needed it, but i have been so volatile that neither of us were willing to see if i could take it.

But not this time. This time, i was meek. i even brought His crop to Him. My demeanor was soft and i longed for Him to be firm, controlling, even harsh, if it pleased Him. Just dominate me.

It never came.

He assures me that it was just bad timing, but i still felt rejected and somewhat hurt. Funny how His steely gaze comforts me more than His sweetest hug. And not being beaten stings, despite the kisses and the 'I love you's. i don't think that anyone not in this sort of relationship can understand how i can hear "I love you" and yet, if He's not willing to take me firmly in hand, then i feel rejection.

i waited until He had left for the night before mentioning it to Him via text msg. i didn't want my words to alter His behavior any. Really, i don't want the control, even inadvertent, despite my stress induced episodes this past month. i ranted and i sulked. And even when He explained that it was just a matter of a timing miscalculation, i still sulked. i came home and sat down to peruse one of my favorite blogs, looking within its pages for comfort and solace and.... validation. Justification for my pity party.

The guest writer for the blog started out telling of her husband, taking her to be caned for a transgression - not filling her car with enough gas - and i thought, 'see? That's what i want. That's the level of control...' And then it hit me. Flashes of the arguments we had sped through my mind, rapid fire, and i got a sinking feeling in my gut. i read on, though her words betrayed my need for validation. "Don't do what you think he wants, just obey," she admonished. i hadn't even done the one, let alone the other. Here, i was feeling sorry for myself because He wasn't doing what i thought He should when it was me who hadn't lived up to my end of the bargain from the first.

Submitting sounds easier than it is. He once told me, it's easy to be submissive when you want to - it's when you don't want to that it really counts. i guess that's the inherent nature of 'submission'. Not doing it because you want to. Doing it when you don't. i failed that this month. i failed Him.

But i have learned something from it. i've learned that i have work of my own to do to put into helping Him create the relationship that we both want. i need to remind myself to work on submission, especially in those moments when i would rather scream like a banshee and fight to get my way. i've learned that, whether He does what i want Him to or not doesn't matter. What matters is what HE wants, even if that doesn't involve being harsh to me when i crave it. My temper tantrums - whether sulky or spiteful - are inappropriate, especially if this is the relationship that i truly want.

Most of all, i've learned that it IS what i want. His sweetness and hugs and tender caresses do not give me the same sense of comfort and feeling of being wanted and truly loved as His control. i couldn't live without the rest.


edit: To anyone in the same situation and reading this, let me say, this is a process - and one that we are still just starting. i realize that now. It will take time, not only for us to negotiate the 'normal' aspects of a new relationship, but also the M/s dynamic. It isn't something that i will achieve overnight, nor is it realistic to think that we will ever get to a point where we handle every encounter perfectly. It doesn't excuse my behavior, but it does allow me to live with it. And while He will take me to task for being disrespectful, He will hold me just as accountable for being too harsh with myself. After all, that's His job.