Dichotomy

i'm a creature of contrast. The One who owns me, body, heart and soul, would tell you it's so. It's one of the things - scratch that, it's the thing - that i love the most; the dichotomy that is our relationship. Without one aspect or the other, it wouldn't be the same, this ferocious, all-encompassing, lose-myself-in-euphoria, is-anyone-really-allowed-to-be-this-happy sort of love.

i can hear the changes in His voice and it sends electricity running through me every time. A glance at my photo on His desk will engender a warm tone of almost adoration that tells me that i'm His favorite possession. Like a child at Christmas who wrote to Santa for that one thing that would make life worth living and when the present was unwrapped, could only whisper in reverence of the object. Perhaps i flatter myself with the analogy, but it's how He makes me feel when He softly, gently, quietly expresses a love so deeply felt by us both.

And with the next breath, His tone changes, hardens, and again i feel my body respond. Have you been following my orders, pet? Can you give an accounting of yourself? Have you been taking care of my things?

Namely, me.

We're at a bit of a disadvantage in that our emotional bond has renewed itself at a time when we're too geographically distant to renew that physical bond. Soon, that will be rectified. Not soon enough. i long to feel His touch, both the pleasure and the pain that i know He promises. i wouldn't want one without the other. Not that it matters. He'll give me what He wants, what He needs for me to take. And i crave it, all of it.

It wasn't always so. i was His once before. i even wore a collar then, as flimsy and counterfeit as my understanding of what He expected of me, of what it meant to wear such a thing. i think back now to the me of then, years past, and i'm ashamed, embarrassed by the game at which i played. Obeying only when it suited my desires. Acting out just to feel the thrill that his stern tone sends flooding through my body.

i don't know exactly what changed - years of separation, of longing for Him - but this time around is different already. i still don't know everything that He intends to teach me. i still ask questions with a naivete that i think amuses Him. But the collar that waits for me is solid steel, a fitting metaphor for what our relationship has blossomed into, for what i have blossomed into. i no longer seek to selfishly please myself, to top from the bottom with attempts to manipulate Him by acting out. i accept. i obey. i ask for what i want.

And when it suits Him, He gives it to me.